Butterflies Fly North

Everyone talks about how, when they get nervous, they get a fluttering feeling in their tummies that can best be compared to the light wing beats of butterflies. Or, when they get excited about something, that those feather-light sensations at the core of their beings happen in the pit of their guts, closer to their intestines than their actual stomachs.

My butterflies have seemingly migrated north for the winter. Maybe they've always been there, but it's been an anxiety-ridden few months, enough that it's become apparent that my little indicators live closer to my actual stomach and chest cavity than anywhere else, causing my heart to beat faster, my breathing to feel more constricted (although that part could also be attributed to my not-fully-functioning right lung), and my head to get that light, starry feeling.

It seems that nothing good comes of aging, considering that my nervous reactions never used to be this strong. I never used to be nervous for job interviews when I was young, for example, until I started going on job interviews after college. Granted, the commute time to said interview used to leave me utterly drained by the time I got there, and I interviewed in the winter, which does all kinds of crazy stuff to my systematic responses, but still ... the point is, anxiety reigned.

Also, I think more about the future these days, now that I'm getting married and it's not just MY future anymore, but rather, OURS. It's a scary, scary jump, especially when you're not altogether sure that "my" future and "our" future necessarily mean the same thing to both parties. You also have to consider that no matter what "the" future brings, that you're in it for the long haul, whether it's good or bad. Also nerve-wracking and butterfly-inducing, considering that the economy is what it is and that if one of you is screwed, the both of you are pretty much SOL and you can cut your own salary in half in that the case.

I'm wondering if I'm becoming neurotic as I get older, as my habits, likes, dislikes, and personality traits become more emphasized or deeper ingrained in who I am as a person. I've always been a tense, anxious person when it comes to the future and with careers (though oddly laid-back when it comes to the rest of my life, even for "monumental" occasions like graduation and stuff), always worried about where I'm going, that it makes me even more nervous to think that I'm becoming the kind of individual that lets the constant worry take over and turn the simple and everyday into tedious sources of frustration and aggravation. The feeling of being trapped doesn't help any, either, so is it even my own thirst for achievement that's biting me in the ass?

Either way, the butterflies are migrating north. They've moved from my gut into my chest making it tight and inflexible; the cavity is too small and they're fighting their way further up. Seems it may be a matter of time before they settle in my throat and choke me.

Suffocated by brightly hued wings, beating lightly with ambition, impatience, and a tendency to over-organize and over-plan. How ironically picturesque in a tragic, Gothic kind of way.